The dilemma mothers face

I have now been a working mom and a stay at home mom (which is a job in itself!). Granted, I have only been a stay at home mom for about 3 weeks, so I have only hit the tip of the iceberg! I just want to write a little bit about the great dilemma mothers face.

Before I had Kiley, I was a worker. I loved to work, to feel the independence that making my own money brought me. I thought I would have absolutely no problem returning to work after Kiley was born. Obviously, I had no idea how strong my maternal instinct would be and how wrong it would feel to me to have someone who wasn't me with my baby day in and day out.

Since day one of returning to work, I dreamed of the day that I would be fortunate enough to stay home with her and any future children. Unfortunately, it just wasn't possible for another year or so. I felt so selfish for working, yet I knew that with John still in school, I couldn't let my family starve. I began to regret having Kiley when we did, even though John and I both felt it was the right time. Surely Heavenly Father wanted me to stay home with her, so why isn't it possible?

It was a really bad year. It flew by too fast and I spent maybe 2 or 3 hours with Kiley a day (that she wasn't sleeping) and during those times, I also had to do some sort of exercise to keep me mentally stable, clean the house, and make dinner. It was really tough.

Luckily, it wasn't too long after John graduated that he found a job. Then I was faced with another difficult decision: when do I quit? John didn't get insurance for 3 months, ok I needed to work until then. Well, wait, we need to buy a house, I need to work until that is done, etc, etc.

Then the pressure from some people very close to me set in. I totally understand that they were well meaning and only wanted what was best for me and my family. Why in this economy would I voluntarily quit a well paying, stable job? They asked. I felt bad, because I knew this was true. But I also knew I was robbing myself of motherhood and robbing Kiley of having me around. Why did I even become a mother if I wasn't going to raise my child?

I am not saying that everyone should be a stay at home mom. I know as well as anybody the fact that sometimes, you are in a position where the mother HAS to work. Or maybe the women wants to work, and that is what keeps her sane and a good mom. I just know that these decisions are very tough and you will always have a nay-sayer, no matter what happens.

But I also know that since I have been home with Kiley, I am much happier, I have lost weight due to not eating to help me emotionally, and she is sleeping better and her vocabulary has exploded. I now firmly believe that no matter what anyone says to me, this is where I need to be. And we will make it work!