I have come thisclose to writing this post for awhile, but I have always stopped myself. But I figure pretty much anyone who would be reading this are at least friendly with me so I am going to be completely open and honest.
I want to be a stay at home mom.
These past 4 months of being at work, away from my daughter, have been the 4 toughest months of my life by far. I hate the feeling that I might come home and she won't know who I am. I know she does, but I feel like I am missing so much of her life. A couple weeks ago, I thought I was getting better, but here I am again, feeling like my world is crashing down on me. It got really bad when I went to feed Kiley at lunch time and my mother in law said "Guess what? Kiley rolled from her back to her tummy today!" This was the first time I had missed a little milestone in her life. That's when I realized that I will only have one baby one time in my life and I am missing it. The next time around, I will be taking care of a toddler and a baby and it just won't be the same. Every night after Kiley goes down for the night, I just cry. Every night. Now, I know this could be post partum depression and I am already on meds for that but I don't want to up my dosage and have to stop breastfeeding because I feel like that is the only thing that only I can do for her.
Now, I know that being a stay at home mom isn't all rainbows and sunshine, but at least I would BE there for her and actually get to see her awake more than 2 hours a day. I am scared TO DEATH that John won't be able to find a job when he graduates in August and I will be stuck working for a while longer. Right now August seems years away so I don't know if I can make it much longer!
I just know that I am supposed to be at home with her and I really feel like I am letting her down when I am at work by not being there. Sorry for this little "feel sorry for me" post, I know my situation could be A LOT worse and I am so thankful I have a job and was lucky enough to even have a child, but it is hard when I don't even feel like a mother sometimes because I don't get to see her that often.
So please just pray that John finds a job when he graduates so I will be able to be there for my little girl.
Highlights from April
4 years ago
4 comments:
katie, you sre a beautiful person and a wonderful mother. you are doing what you have to do to take care of your daughter. that's what mothers do. you are as REAL as a mother gets. Thank you so much for being so real and honest. I will start praying for your husband to get a job tonight.
I'll e-mail you my full consolation because it will be a long one, but for now just know that I'm sorry that you're having to go through this and that we'll be praying for you!!!
I love ya, Katie! You're doing what's best for Kiley, even if that means you're not seeing her as much as you hope. I admire your strength and your commitment to your family. You're awesome!!!
oh Katie, I'm so sorry. I hope John gets a job too. If all else fails, the highway patrol is always hiring... :)
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